How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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