He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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