Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
