We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
