mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
