I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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