i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
