I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
