Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
