you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
