I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just gargled with NyQuil
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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