A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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