The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
