I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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