I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
