My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
