She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We left the knife in your bed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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