I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
