Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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