im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
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When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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