I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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