How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
