Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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