i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
