Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
