I wish my penis had an off switch
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
