Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
