We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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