my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
His nipple licking is glorious
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
