she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
