Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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