just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
