booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
