I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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