Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm too high and old for this...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
