he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
not ubering you a puppy
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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