wrigley field is MILF paradise
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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