It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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