So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I need a beard to bite.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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