i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I want a musical about memes.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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