first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
