Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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