He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
