Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
They are going to name an STD after you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
