totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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