this beer tastes like vomit already
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
