I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
