what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
