I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
