The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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