Sorry, I don't speak sober.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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