This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
