Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
