Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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