there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
