It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
