WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
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Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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