your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
